The things I hate most about Christmas

Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas. I try hopelessly to coin the nickname ‘Mr. Christmas’ every year and seem to appreciate the festive season much more than most people I know. When even my nearest and dearest are doom-mongering about how awful ‘this Christmas’ is going to be, I’m there accepting it as some sort of personal mission to prove them wrong.

However, there are still things that occur every year that niggle, things I should’ve become immune to over the passing years, but still manage to get under my skin thanks to their annual consistency. The following list is one of inevitable occurrences that probably seed the wave of cynicism that tsunamis all over my pals every year.

1. Secret Santa

I think of myself as a pretty chilled out guy, it takes quite a lot for pressure to breach my layers of barely-penetrable armour and make me stressed. However, one thing guaranteed to rile me every year is the prospect of Secret Santa. I have NEVER once picked the name of someone I like out of the hat! The concept of buying gifts for your workmates is unappealing at best, but when you’re slapped with a miserably low budget and told to buy something for the new guy, the misery is accentuated ten-fold. Do you go for something heartfelt? funny? clever? or home made? Either way it doesn’t matter, whatever you receive in return will be an absolute disappointment. When five pound coins sellotaped to a piece of card is the best gift option available, you know you’re working on a flawed concept. And it never stays a secret!

2. Cocacolonisation

When I was about ten years old I used to love the Coke lorry adverts. Then again, I was also madly in love with Chun Li from street fighter, and she wasn’t even real – I just didn’t know any better. Now when I watch the adverts I feel nothing but contempt. The concept of a thousand lorries thundering through a small village is actually not very appealing at all, let alone Christmassy. Coca Cola is a heinous, morally bankrupt company that’s made a living through selling a sugary poison to fat kids around the globe, thus the beverage has no discernible link to Christmas whatsoever. Surely I’m not alone in this line of thinking? Well apparently I am, as this facebook group and its 40,000 drones suggests.

3. Christmas Adverts

The one guarantee at Christmas is that rubbish will be sold in bulk to losers. But for losers to buy your rubbish, you need to advertise your rubbish. What better way of connecting with the losers than to pretend you ‘know what it’s like‘ at Christmas! Yeah, let them know you’re just one of them, trying to survive the festive season! Phrases like ‘It’s too early for Christmas ads‘ in your early Christmas ads and ‘we know the shops are a nightmare!‘ while telling people to go shopping is a sure fire way for people to embrace your product. It’s like you’re psychic!

4. The Christmas Number One song

It’s a time of year for novelty songs, charity songs, and corporate-funded cover versions to dominate the charts. The popular music scene barely does itself any favours at any other time of year, but the complete cut-and-paste certainty of an X-Factor winner taking the number one spot every year is surprisingly depressing. The realisation that the UK populace is comprised of an easily-manipulated hive mind is as frightening as the soulless whining that constitutes the inevitable X Factor song. If Rage Against the Machine aren’t Christmas number one this year then we might as well all give up and go home.

5. People complaining about Christmas films!

This one I can’t abide, at all! It’s Christmas! The only acceptable time to watch a Christmas film is between December 1st – December 25th. After that they shall remain in a dusty cupboard until next year when the FUN will repeat itself. These films aren’t there to make you laugh any more, you’ve seen them too many times, it’s just about the conveyance of entertainment and festive warmth! Unfunny but entertaining, they’re like an episode of Scrubs. And why do people always forget that Die Hard is an excellent Christmas film!?

6. The weather

It used to be that the weather forecasters gave us the odds of seeing a white Christmas throughout December. Now they don’t even bother as there’s little-to-no chance that snow will fall on Christmas day. In fact, snow will not arrive at all until March, or some other unpredictably useless time of year. That puts an end to visions of cosy fireside warmth then, I’ll stick with a cold-blasted face and blistered lips then.

7. Pre- vs. Post-Christmas prices

What a piss-take the January sales are. Why not have December sales? You’d shift more or your stock and people would have a better time all round at Christmas. But no, ripping people off at the most stressful time of year and ensuring that novelty Christmas items are still stocking your shelves during mid-March is surely a much better option! Christmas decorations are the worst. Overpriced shimmering tat, that for two weeks of the year has a welcome place in every home and every year you tell yourself to buy the decorations in January for next year, but it just doesn’t happen. You’re such a let down.

8. People refusing to buy things online

Play.com and Amazon.co.uk will ship just about any DVD, game, electronic gizmo or book that a man can think of, and they’re much better stocked than any highstreet shop. Cheaper too! Why then does it take half an hour to even find the end of the queue in HMV, no matter how close to Christmas you are? If people weren’t so petrified of technology then I could stroll into HMV on Christmas Eve after a day of hectic shopping and treat myself to a DVD in peace!